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Have you ever had one of those dreams that you swear was real, and just before the best part you wake up and realize that it was just your imagination playing tricks on you? Have you ever wished that after waking you could rip yourself from consciousness and return to that dream because it is far better than reality? The only part of my life I care to think of as reality now is just a dream. A dream that I keep returning to and each time that I stir myself from my few moments of solace and rest these lonely hours, I am reminded of the harshness and truth of a reality I can't even comprehend. I wish for sleep and never find it. If I did I would wish for no dreams and to never wake.

What's worse is that my dreams are so vivid. I can smell you, I see the glimmer in your eye when you look at me that I know is still inside. How can love so strong and so recent disappear? You say there was no void in my absence? Tell me now that there is no void in your life because then I would know that the one that I once knew is truly gone. You have judged me for crimes and problems I have not yet committed or created and worse been left behind with the assumption that I would not have the capacity to solve them had I even been given a real chance to prove myself? What wrong in life have I committed that I deserve this fate? I am far less the man I was before, left only to a shell of my previous existence.

You are that which I have lost, and I am that which you have forgotten. My only wish was for a second chance, one that was denied before it ever began and for your sake that I am truly sorry was never able to be realized. I will remain until such time that I have the will to move on, but I will never give up.

Am I Boring You?

I know that most often when something is bothering me regardless if another is involved I tend to have a long drawn out interior dialogue. I think that I do this because I like to see things from another's perspective. This has made many things hard for me, like ignoring a homeless person on the street or breaking up with a significant other regardless of how good my reasons were. I even have a hard time yelling or getting angry with others usually because I can see it from their end and know that the issue is often not personal. Most think I'm nuts. It does however, give me the reputation of having a big heart and a cool temper, but honestly the interior stress this causes will drive you mad. If it wasn't for the remorse and guilt that I would otherwise feel, I'd be all over these issues like white on rice. I'd be screaming into the face of all those that have stepped on me, refuse to respect me or my opinions for that matter or made me feel unimportant to further their own cause. Of course that also makes little sense because I'm a damn non confrontational. Now that's a great trait, let's get pissed off, but instead of venting our frustrations at the appropriate moment, let's internalize them instead and make it worse!

OK, I'll just set the building on fire

Yes, here we all are. After years of hard work, papers, speeches, midterms, finals, psycho professors, costly tuition and over priced books and oogles of tax payer's dollars later (for those who went to state universities) this is what we have to show for it. A desk, maybe even a cubicle and for those lucky few, an office! Ah yes, workin for the man (or woman) is glory and triumph in its finest. How many people went up in front of their first grade classroom and said "I want to be a benefits specialist when I grow up" or "I wanna be a work comp claims processor", or 'I'm gonna be a dispatcher!" or even, "My dream is to become a glorified secretary who is only acknowledged as an office assistant A.K.A. Everyone's Bitch", that's right I said it.

Am I making fun of anyone, absolutely not. My first job outside of college, was actually one of those previously mentioned and friends of mine who also have professional degrees were or are the others. In the end, until we follow the gradual promotion pipeline, suck major ass, or both we are all just Milton's running around wondering where our paycheck is and what shoddy task we will be assigned next. Oh, where are the matches when you need them!!